Before you submit a mission, send money, request a call, order a roast, or drag another Earthling into your questionable decisions, you agree to these rules.
Don’t click I ACCEPT because reading is hard.
YOUR MISSION. YOUR INFORMATION. YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Alien Calls is entertainment.
Some missions are intentionally awkward, blunt, embarrassing, sarcastic, uncomfortable, or brutally honest. Someone getting offended does not automatically make a mission unacceptable.
Your boyfriend is cheating? Someone treated you like shit? Your friend desperately needs a reality check? You want an Alien to tell your brother he’s being a fucking idiot?
Alien Command may accept the mission.
But threats, violence, stalking, doxxing, extortion, hate, encouraging self-harm, repeated unwanted targeting, illegal activity, or publishing private information?
FUCK NO.
We can fuck with someone’s feelings. We don’t fuck with their safety.
Paying Alien Command does not give you unlimited control over what we say or do.
You are commissioning entertainment—not hiring a hitman with Wi-Fi.
Alien Command can modify, refuse, stop, or cancel a mission that crosses our boundaries.
Trying to disguise harassment as a roast doesn’t magically make it a roast.
We’re aliens. Not fucking stupid.
If your mission involves factual allegations about another person—cheating, stealing, scams, misconduct, or similar claims—you agree that the information you submit is truthful to the best of your knowledge.
Alien Command may ask for additional context or supporting information.
We may frame allegations as allegations, for example: “Someone contacted Alien Command claiming…” rather than presenting every statement as established fact.
You are responsible for the information and materials you submit.
If you purchase a roast, intervention, reality check, breakup transmission, Alien Award, or similar product: expect jokes.
Expect sarcasm. Expect profanity. Expect the Alien to have opinions.
Don’t order NUCLEAR ROAST and then email us because Kevin’s feelings got nuked.
You ordered the fucking nuke.
Alien Command may still remove material we consider threatening, discriminatory, dangerously humiliating, or otherwise over the line.
Alien Calls does not own the humans.
A recipient can hang up, block the number, refuse to participate, or tell the Alien to fuck off.
That is their right.
We will not repeatedly pursue someone who clearly wants no further contact.
Sometimes the funniest ending to a mission is: CLICK. Mission fucking over.
A mission being recorded does not automatically mean it will be published.
Public release may require additional permission depending on the circumstances, people involved, and applicable law.
Alien Command can decide not to publish a mission even if the person who submitted it wants it posted.
KEEP THIS SHIT CLASSIFIED means private.
CLEARED FOR EARTH TRANSMISSION means the purchaser authorizes public use of their submission/deliverable, but that does not necessarily establish permission from every other identifiable person in a recording.
Don’t send us information we don’t need.
No Social Security numbers. No banking credentials. No passwords. No medical records. No intimate images. No home addresses unless legitimately necessary and specifically requested.
No information obtained through stalking, hacking, impersonation, or other illegal bullshit.
We need enough information to understand the mission. We don’t need someone’s entire fucking existence.
Submitting something does not guarantee Alien Command will accept it.
PRIORITY TRANSMISSION = PRIORITY REVIEW.
It does not mean guaranteed call.
Paid products that guarantee a deliverable will specifically say what deliverable is included.
$111? Rules still apply.
$888? Still apply.
$2,222? Yep.
$11,111 Mothership?
Nice flex. Rules still fucking apply.
Alien Command reserves the right to reject transactions or missions that violate these rules. Payment and refund terms for a specific product should be shown at checkout.
If you provide photographs, videos, audio, messages, screenshots, logos, or other materials, you represent that you have the right or appropriate permission to provide them for the requested use.
Don’t steal somebody’s private shit and make it our problem.
Paid and custom mission ordering is intended for adults 18 and older.
Missions involving minors may be subject to stricter review or rejected outright.
Some jokes simply aren’t worth the fucking headache.
You submit. We review. Alien Command decides.
We may reject, modify, shorten, reframe, stop, decline to publish, or otherwise alter a mission when necessary for safety, legality, privacy, platform requirements, or basic fucking common sense.
No amount of money overrides that discretion.
Before submitting or paying, you must confirm all four:
Check all four boxes to continue.
This page is written in Alien Calls’ brand voice and is not a substitute for legal advice. Have your final recording, privacy, payment, refund, and publication terms reviewed by qualified counsel before launch.