THE
ALIEN MENU
PICK YOUR POISON. I’LL HANDLE THE HUMAN.
EXCELLENT.
THE SECURITY SYSTEM IS WORKING.
📡 PRIORITY TRANSMISSION
Skip a few thousand Earthlings. Priority review, not guaranteed acceptance.
$111
🎂 ABDUCTION DAY
A birthday transmission from something that allegedly isn’t supposed to exist.
$222
💘 ALIEN LOVE TRANSMISSION
Hallmark is cheaper. Go there.
$333
🏆 ALIEN AWARD CEREMONY
Official extraterrestrial recognition for questionable human achievement.
$333
🎥 ALIEN SHOUTOUT
A personalized transmission created specifically for one Earthling.
$444
🔥 ORBITAL ROAST
You only roast the ones you love. Apparently you love this asshole $555 worth.
$555
🛸 ALIEN INTERVENTION
When friends and family have failed, outsource the problem to another species.
$666
💔 BREAKUP FROM OUTER SPACE
You don’t have the balls to say it, so you hired something without balls.
$666
☢️ NUCLEAR ROAST
More ammunition. More production. Less mercy.
$777
☎️ ALIEN CALL
A custom approved call mission from Alien Command.
$888+
☠️ EXTINCTION EVENT ROAST
At this point, don’t tell me they’re your friend. This is clearly personal.
$999
👽 CUSTOM MISSION
Tell us what bizarre shit you’re trying to accomplish. Alien Command quotes the mission.
$1,111+
🛸 FULL ABDUCTION
The flagship experience. Custom production, approved call concept, personalized transmission and edited mission content.
$2,222+
🏢 CORPORATE ABDUCTION
Your company has a marketing budget. Alien Command knows this. Don’t insult us.
$4,444+
THE MOTHERSHIP
THE ULTIMATE PACKAGE
$11,111
If you’re asking whether there’s a payment plan, this mission isn’t for you.
YOU HAVE MORE MONEY THAN GOOD JUDGMENT.
ALIEN COMMAND RESPECTS BOTH.
- Custom concept & production
- Multiple personalized transmissions
- Approved call mission built around you
- Edited deliverables
- We’ll make it legendary (or infamous)
ALIEN COMMAND RULES
Alien Command reserves the right to say “FUCK NO.” Money does not override mission rules. Threats, harassment, hate, doxxing, stalking, illegal shit, or anything Alien Command decides crosses the line gets rejected. Don’t waste your money.
IMPORTANT
All missions are reviewed for safety, legality, consent, and entertainment value. Payment does not buy permission to harass anybody.